Surely by now you’ve guessed that I’ve been in the taxi of another crazy. It’s true – I got a ride today from Uncle Fruit Loops. Really, the entire conversation was epic, but I’ll give you the more ridiculous highlights:

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Uncle: Ok, which way you want to go?

Me: The fastest way! Really, as fast as you can go – I’m so late!

Uncle: Ok can lah… Why you living here in Geylang? This is red light district.

Me: No it’s not bad at all. These lorongs are all condos. Many expats.

Uncle: But maybe some guy come to you and say ‘hey pretty lady’ and then you have to beat him away. Then you must go ‘POW POW POW gwun khai!’ [karate chops air with left hand].

Me: ahahahah!!! Yeahhhh teach me how to say this!!!

Uncle: Ok you do this: [uncle bats his eyelashes and motions sweetly with his free hand]: ‘swai khuh, lai’ [then starts slapping the air] ‘POP POP POP, GWUN KHAI!’

Me: What does that mean?

Uncle: It means, ‘come here, handsome boy,’ and then when he comes you hit him and say ‘GO AWAY!’

Me: Well that sounds counter-productive…

Uncle: Or you call your husband, he protect you.

Me: No husband…

Uncle: But you are beautiful lady! No one to protect you?

Me: Protect me? From what? This is Singapore!

Uncle: Then you call me. I be your boyfriend and I protect my lady. You have boyfriend?

Me: [oh no, not again…lie, Kiersten, lie!] uhhhhh yes.

Uncle: Your boyfriend is handsome?

Me: Oh yes. Very handsome.

Uncle: Maybe I am not so handsome, but I am quality! Your boyfriend is handsome, but maybe not quality. I think he is a playboy. Am I right?

Me: Oh well…umm…no, he’s a quality guy.

Uncle: No. I hear in your voice. He is telling you he loves you, but really he is fooling around with other girls. Am I right? But it’s ok, I put on my boxing gloves, we fight, and then the winner will win your heart! Can?

Me: Well, ummm…

Uncle: Where is your boyfriend from? He is local? He’s American?

Me: umm he is… [quick think, Kiersten, think!] … oh he’s from Austria. Big guy, very strong. Lots of muscles. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Uncle: Okaaaay lahhh! Why you didn’t say before? Arnold Schwarzenegger is quality guy!