Surely by now you’ve guessed that I’ve been in the taxi of another crazy. It’s true – I got a ride today from Uncle Fruit Loops. Really, the entire conversation was epic, but I’ll give you the more ridiculous highlights:
***
Uncle: Ok, which way you want to go?
Me: The fastest way! Really, as fast as you can go – I’m so late!
Uncle: Ok can lah… Why you living here in Geylang? This is red light district.
Me: No it’s not bad at all. These lorongs are all condos. Many expats.
Uncle: But maybe some guy come to you and say ‘hey pretty lady’ and then you have to beat him away. Then you must go ‘POW POW POW gwun khai!’ [karate chops air with left hand].
Me: ahahahah!!! Yeahhhh teach me how to say this!!!
Uncle: Ok you do this: [uncle bats his eyelashes and motions sweetly with his free hand]: ‘swai khuh, lai’ [then starts slapping the air] ‘POP POP POP, GWUN KHAI!’
Me: What does that mean?
Uncle: It means, ‘come here, handsome boy,’ and then when he comes you hit him and say ‘GO AWAY!’
Me: Well that sounds counter-productive…
Uncle: Or you call your husband, he protect you.
Me: No husband…
Uncle: But you are beautiful lady! No one to protect you?
Me: Protect me? From what? This is Singapore!
Uncle: Then you call me. I be your boyfriend and I protect my lady. You have boyfriend?
Me: [oh no, not again…lie, Kiersten, lie!] uhhhhh yes.
Uncle: Your boyfriend is handsome?
Me: Oh yes. Very handsome.
Uncle: Maybe I am not so handsome, but I am quality! Your boyfriend is handsome, but maybe not quality. I think he is a playboy. Am I right?
Me: Oh well…umm…no, he’s a quality guy.
Uncle: No. I hear in your voice. He is telling you he loves you, but really he is fooling around with other girls. Am I right? But it’s ok, I put on my boxing gloves, we fight, and then the winner will win your heart! Can?
Me: Well, ummm…
Uncle: Where is your boyfriend from? He is local? He’s American?
Me: umm he is… [quick think, Kiersten, think!] … oh he’s from Austria. Big guy, very strong. Lots of muscles. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Uncle: Okaaaay lahhh! Why you didn’t say before? Arnold Schwarzenegger is quality guy!
13 comments
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November 24, 2010 at 4:12 pm
Suhas
LOL.. Yet again!
November 24, 2010 at 4:12 pm
kierstens
Seriously – I can’t believe I forgot to take out the iPhone recorder today. I need a hidden camera or something.
November 24, 2010 at 4:38 pm
gowiththeebb
Hilarious – I think you need your own hidden camera show! My cab conversations in Singapore were never as entertaining. The only slightly amusing one I had was when a driver gave me and some friends the cell phone number of the Governor of Bangkok. He heard us discussing a trip there and thought we might need it, just in case. I wasn’t even sure there was a Governor of Bangkok, but I looked it up and there is. We were instructed to use the number only if we needed it though, so I didn’t test it out…
November 24, 2010 at 4:49 pm
kierstens
Are you kidding?? The prank call possibilities seem endless…
November 24, 2010 at 4:40 pm
bookjunkie
Oh my goodness…this is sooo funny!! You had me in stitches. But it must have been pretty scary to be you in that cab!! It’s a good think you lied! Maybe you should have a photo of one of your tall, muscular friends in your wallet for the next time you meet a cabbie who tries to hit on you.
November 24, 2010 at 4:49 pm
kierstens
Yeahhh I’ll print out a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger!!
November 24, 2010 at 10:08 pm
michaela
Epic indeed!!! tears in the eyes yet again..
Happy Thanksgiving!
November 25, 2010 at 8:30 am
kierstens
Happy Thanksgiving to YOU!
November 28, 2010 at 11:41 am
notabilia
In my three weeks in Singapore, I have had as many odd convos with cab drivers here. Daily entertainment. I love it.
November 29, 2010 at 12:20 am
kierstens
Sometimes they’re the best part of my day!!! Welcome to Singapore :-)
November 30, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Stacey
So good! I need to start scripting some of my cab-ventures like this. Usually I just get hassled about not having children with the same kind of concern and urgency one might reserve for someone dying of Cancer but refusing treatment.
November 30, 2010 at 1:53 pm
kierstens
Hahaha what?? You’re a woman, you’re not married/working/don’t have kids/speak your mind?? Surely there’s something wrong with you…
December 13, 2010 at 3:58 am
emily
Love the surprise ending. Definitely would not expect Arnold to have such a great rep in Singapore!