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Did you hear the joke about the monk who walked up to the Durian stall?

No? Me neither. But it sounds like the start of a good joke.

In the meantime, I’ll take a durian and a tattoo please.

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Yeah, I live in the red light district. And yeah, it’s amusing.

Now only one thought remains: Where can I get me some zebra spandex pants?

Actually…second thought: You’re gonna pick her up on a bicycle? Smooth.

Surely by now you’ve guessed that I’ve been in the taxi of another crazy. It’s true – I got a ride today from Uncle Fruit Loops. Really, the entire conversation was epic, but I’ll give you the more ridiculous highlights:

***

Uncle: Ok, which way you want to go?

Me: The fastest way! Really, as fast as you can go – I’m so late!

Uncle: Ok can lah… Why you living here in Geylang? This is red light district.

Me: No it’s not bad at all. These lorongs are all condos. Many expats.

Uncle: But maybe some guy come to you and say ‘hey pretty lady’ and then you have to beat him away. Then you must go ‘POW POW POW gwun khai!’ [karate chops air with left hand].

Me: ahahahah!!! Yeahhhh teach me how to say this!!!

Uncle: Ok you do this: [uncle bats his eyelashes and motions sweetly with his free hand]: ‘swai khuh, lai’ [then starts slapping the air] ‘POP POP POP, GWUN KHAI!’

Me: What does that mean?

Uncle: It means, ‘come here, handsome boy,’ and then when he comes you hit him and say ‘GO AWAY!’

Me: Well that sounds counter-productive…

Uncle: Or you call your husband, he protect you.

Me: No husband…

Uncle: But you are beautiful lady! No one to protect you?

Me: Protect me? From what? This is Singapore!

Uncle: Then you call me. I be your boyfriend and I protect my lady. You have boyfriend?

Me: [oh no, not again…lie, Kiersten, lie!] uhhhhh yes.

Uncle: Your boyfriend is handsome?

Me: Oh yes. Very handsome.

Uncle: Maybe I am not so handsome, but I am quality! Your boyfriend is handsome, but maybe not quality. I think he is a playboy. Am I right?

Me: Oh well…umm…no, he’s a quality guy.

Uncle: No. I hear in your voice. He is telling you he loves you, but really he is fooling around with other girls. Am I right? But it’s ok, I put on my boxing gloves, we fight, and then the winner will win your heart! Can?

Me: Well, ummm…

Uncle: Where is your boyfriend from? He is local? He’s American?

Me: umm he is… [quick think, Kiersten, think!] … oh he’s from Austria. Big guy, very strong. Lots of muscles. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Uncle: Okaaaay lahhh! Why you didn’t say before? Arnold Schwarzenegger is quality guy!

Well, at least the guy on the bicycle is reducing his carbon footprint…

Insomnia. Somehow it was so much sexier when Jill Scott sang it.

When you travel to the opposite side of the world (literally), day becomes night, night becomes day, up is down, right is left…well, you get the point.  Basically, my body is a mess and I can’t sleep.

No really. This is night 3 without sleep.

On the upside, I heard some incredibly entertaining (disturbing?) conversations circa 4am in the alley by my bedroom, and I’ve caught up on a substantial amount of Modern Family and How I Met Your Mother episodes.

But enough is enough.  I’m terrified of taking sleeping pills, but surely there’s some natural cure for this? Suggestions?

I’ve moved to Geylang!

That’s the red light district, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the Little Red Dot.  Yes, prostitution is legal in Singapore.  No mom, I haven’t made a career switch. In any case, I’m hoping that living here will produce some blog-worthy stories…

I’ve officially moved in with S – one half of my favorite french duo in s’pore! Unpacking, well, that’s a chore to tackle for another weekend.

The new apartment is great – I’m much closer to the subway, there is great food everywhere, and there is life on the streets. Moreover, it’s quieter here and I don’t hear the buses and crazy motorcyclists revving their engines on Serangoon at 3am.

Already I feel at home (and so do all my plants!)

I’ve snapped some quick picks for your viewing pleasure.  Please excuse the dust on the window shades!


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